On Friday afternoon I told my boss that I was quitting my job in June, taking the summer off....and going back to school in the fall.
On Friday night I told myself I was crazy, that I shouldn't have done that....and what on EARTH am I thinking! Quitting a financially stable, full-time job with benefits and security to go back to school? Who DOES that?
And that's pretty much where I've been since then. My weekend was full of reading about the schooling I want to do and then looking at my bank account and listening to the "you CAN'T and SHOULDN'T do this" taunts inside my head. I woke up at 2am on Saturday in a state of sheer panick because of my decision.
That one little word dictates almost every single thing I do. I let fear run my life - I always have. The few times I have made decisions and ignored the fear have ended up being some of the best I've ever made. However, those decisions are few and far between because more often than not - my scaredy cat side gets the upper hand. My rational/comfortable personality thrives on this.
By constantly giving into fear (which, let's face it - the Enemy adores) I am denying myself a life of knowing the PERFECT love that God lavishes on me and the joy that comes in answering His call for my life. Instead, I choose to dwell in the doubt, uncertainty and hurt because it's easier.
One of my favorite bible verses is 1 John 4:18 "...perfect love casts out fear.."
It's easier to dwell in the darkness of fear because it keeps us from taking that leap of faith - a leap requiring our complete trust in God that He WILL catch us when we fall.
Ironically, I haven't even given my notice and won't be for at least another 5 months. But putting that decision out there and telling someone (whom I respect a great deal) has made it 100% real. It's terrifying and exhilerating all at once. I will be trusting in God completely for my finances, education and most things!
I imagine that as the next few months go by I'm going to be attacked from all angles and want to change my mind (as usual) - but leaning on the Lord and recognizing His love will help me to stand firm in my decision.
At least in this one. Baby steps.