Fear and the career choice....

On Friday afternoon I told my boss that I was quitting my job in June, taking the summer off....and going back to school in the fall.

On Friday night I told myself I was crazy, that I shouldn't have done that....and what on EARTH am I thinking! Quitting a financially stable, full-time job with benefits and security to go back to school? Who DOES that?

And that's pretty much where I've been since then. My weekend was full of reading about the schooling I want to do and then looking at my bank account and listening to the "you CAN'T and SHOULDN'T do this" taunts inside my head. I woke up at 2am on Saturday in a state of sheer panick because of my decision.

Fear.

That one little word dictates almost every single thing I do. I let fear run my life - I always have. The few times I have made decisions and ignored the fear have ended up being some of the best I've ever made. However, those decisions are few and far between because more often than not - my scaredy cat side gets the upper hand. My rational/comfortable personality thrives on this.

By constantly giving into fear (which, let's face it - the Enemy adores) I am denying myself a life of knowing the PERFECT love that God lavishes on me and the joy that comes in answering His call for my life. Instead, I choose to dwell in the doubt, uncertainty and hurt because it's easier.

One of my favorite bible verses is 1 John 4:18 "...perfect love casts out fear.."

It's easier to dwell in the darkness of fear because it keeps us from taking that leap of faith - a leap requiring our complete trust in God that He WILL catch us when we fall.

Ironically, I haven't even given my notice and won't be for at least another 5 months. But putting that decision out there and telling someone (whom I respect a great deal) has made it 100% real. It's terrifying and exhilerating all at once. I will be trusting in God completely for my finances, education and most things!

I imagine that as the next few months go by I'm going to be attacked from all angles and want to change my mind (as usual) - but leaning on the Lord and recognizing His love will help me to stand firm in my decision.

At least in this one. Baby steps.

It's that time again...

...the obligatory New Years Resolution post.
And this time I'm making it public instead of hiding it away in my journal - because quite honestly it's way too easy to stuff that list away and pretend it never existed. This way it's up on my fridge AND the bloggity-blog. Internet - I'm putting it out there for you to see!

I've never been a huge fan of resolutions, because to me it seems like an excuse to make up some kind of obligation just because everyone else is, and then 2 months later you fall back into old habits. It's that time of year when goals are set because the New Year is a "do-over" and a chance to forget what was done or not done in the past year. Personally, I believe goals (or resolutions) can and should be set at any point during the year. Why do we wait until December 31 to come up with something? It seems like it's a form of procrastination. "I'll do this until December 31 and then January 1 it's allll over".

Do it now.

I'm guilty of being a horrible procrastinator. A couple months ago something happened that made me re-think my priorities and my path. My behavior is so often influenced by a desire to conform to the expectations of others rather than inner conviction. I was seeking attention and I had partially slipped back into my old habits of doing (almost) anything to get it. In one moment I realized what I was doing. God called me out on it and that part of my life I had refused to give up.

It's been an interesting journey since then. One that's forced me to really change certain aspects of my life. And now is the time to continue in that. It just so happens that the new year has come in the middle of it :)

So for 2012 - I'm continuing towards these goals and am excited to see where this time next year will have me:

- Focus more on my own path and not the paths of those around me;
- I'm often 5-10 minutes late for everything (except work). Punctuality will be a big focus this year;
- Commit to spending more time in the relationships that matter most (family and friends(who are like family), my students/leaders in youth ministry) and less time in those that are destructive and inhibiting. And of course forming new valuable relationships;
- Daily devotions. I really find every excuse not to spend time doing this in the morning, even when I recognize the great mindset it gives me each day;
- Run a 10k by the summer. Knees refuse to let me do more than a few km at this point, but I am determined to condition and train my body properly to reach this goal if I'm physically able to;
- Get the tattoo I've been contemplating for the past 4 years. Small, simple and extremely meaningful;
- Be happy in my work. I've recently reached a point where I can feel changes coming - this year will be huge for me in terms of my employment....;
- Start swimming and doing yoga more often again;
- Be thankful much more often and take more risks. I focus too much on things I consider to be hinderances (my allergies, certain personality traits and my past) and allow those to dictate my decisions.
- Trust in the gifts God has given me, and actively listen to Him more. My goal is to live out Psalm 119:33-40.

Fear has been a strong component in my life for too long. It's slowly becoming a less noticeable factor and I'm determined to work on it even more.

Happy 2012!