Let me pray you through....

The past few days have been full of family. Full of laughing, crying and sharing hugs, tears, prayers and memories. Yesterday was our last trip to Kamloops, where most of our time has been spent these past few weekends. It was time to say goodbye to a sister, aunt, wife, mother, grandmother and friend. We all knew it could be the last time. My hope and comfort is in the arms of my family and it is found in Him throughout it all. Watching someone you love be ravaged by something that takes away the simplest of abilities is heartbreaking, but she was strong through it all. Strength that came from her wonderful husband, her incredible daughter (love you Shan) and the numerous family members constantly at her side. Her personality shone through.

This morning, Auntie Carol was released from her suffering. And went Home to be with Jesus and to see her Dad, my beloved Grandpa again.
I love you Auntie C - thank you for being one of the most unique women I've ever known. Your colorful hair and style matched the most colorful of personalities. Your stubborness was that of all the Hathaway sisters and daughters. You were truly one of a kind and I'm glad you never changed.

Thank you for the thumbs up and the winks these past few weeks saying you loved us when you couldn't get the words out. Even the gentle hand squeezes and brow raises yesterday were enough because that's all the strength you had. My anger at this disease was replaced with a sense of peace because of that. I thank God for it.

I'm wearing purple for you today, and guess what - I might even suck it up and get my nails done because of the look you gave me last week. I will treasure that. I love you.

The walls are closing in, you feel alone, you feel afraid
Your heart begins to bend, you take a breath and then
It starts to break

So lift your shaking hands, don't say a word, I'll stay with you
The tears will heal the pain, You shouldn't be ashamed
To come undone

Fall down and let me carry you
I'll carry you

I'm all out of words
There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt
So let me pray you through

The big C

Christ....and Cancer. For me, the 2 go hand in hand.

Cancer has touched my life more than I ever thought it would. My Mom's battle with Cancer almost 5 years ago is what brought me to Christ. It is the biggest part of my testimony and one day I'll do a series of entries from my journals over those 8 months.

3 years ago it was discovered to be affecting my Dad. He beat it too.

Just over a year ago my beautiful friend Christy lost her battle with it. However, her fight and her faith have left a huge mark on this community and many many lives. God used her in ways that were miraculous!

Last night my family found out my aunt, my Mom's oldest sister, is fighting it.

I am tired of this disease. I am tired of it breaking apart families, causing anger, hate and blame. I am tired of the Enemy jumping for joy when he gets exactly what he wants.

CHRIST IS BIGGER THAN CANCER

I admit that I am not always content with His ways. In fact, I have moments where I am angry with Him. However, I refuse to back down this time and live in my anger. I will fight with every ounce of Truth that I possess. I will show my God-given emotions because they are NOT signs of weakness. I will pray that His will be done in all circumstances and that my family (who do not know Him) will find their strength and solace in the arms of the Redeemer.

I have gone through this battle without God and I have gone through it with Him. You make the call on which way is the clear winner.....no matter the outcome.

Much love and many many blessings.

Be still and chill

This Monday's post is simple and basic. Instead of decorating it with detailed stories from the past couple weeks, I'm keeping it light.

I had coffee with my oldest friend on Friday night. Something that was long overdo. She's been my best friend (BFF if I'm being hip) since before we could walk. We laughed, vented and chatted for what seemed like hours and promised to do it more often.

In a world full of endless noise, activity, committments and stresses we generally don't take the time to just BE. We are constantly moving, doing, and thinking. On that night I finally took the time out. I be-ed! (And for the record you won't find that word in Webster's Dictionary...I like to make up my own).

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10
This is my life verse - the one I always return to.

I'm told this is one of the most misunderstood verses in the Bible. I don't know if that's true - but for me it's only in the last year that I've truly come to recognize the full meaning behind it. Being still doesn't just mean staying in one place. The word 'still' comes from a Hebrew word meaning 'to slacken, release or let go'. And knowing God? You can't just add Him as a friend on Facebook and say "Hey, I know Him - we're like BFFs!"

Being still and knowing God comes from taking the time out to quiet your mind, to release the stresses of the world and to actively pursue a relationship with Him. He isn't going to compete with all the other noises in your life to get your attention. By turning down the volume in our heads and entering into a moment with God, we get to know Him. We get to HEAR Him when He speaks. And when we hear Him - giving up our worries and letting go of our problems seems to become a lot easier.

Think of how therapeutic a long conversation over lattes with a close friend is. Jesus knows you better than any worldly friend you'll ever have. He is truly your BFF. He might not pay for coffee but He'll always listen and offer the perfect advice if you take the time out to meet with Him.

The world is a busy place - as are we in it. Instead of reaching the point of wanting to curl up into the fetal position and cry (like I did last week), take a time out, turn down the "noise" and chill out with your BFF.

Whether it's over lattes or not.

Sunday Scripture and Something Sweet

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 4:6-7

This is easily one of my favorite verses and one I've really been trying to lean in to over this past week, and will continue to do so. Sunday mornings are usually very restful and centering for me. In between flipping pancakes and making tea, I read my devotional for the day with a less hurried heart than I would on a weekday.

However, isn't that the point of it all? To REST in Him? Why is it on Sunday I will take the time to do this (as it is Sabbath) and dwell in the Word, but during the week it seems to be more of an obligation? Thoughts to ponder....

And with that, here is my something sweet for the week! I modified this recipe to suit my allergies and added a few extras to appease my taste buds. The result is a ridiculously good, healthy cookie that really satisfies.

These babies are organic(in my case), low in sugar**, packed full of protein and other good for you ingredients like amino acids, healthy fats and fiber. Even when you're gluten-free (like me) there is that tendency to overload on carbs and sugars. It's important to get your recommended daily intake of protein along with learning to get it from sources other than meats and dairy. Plant based sources of protein are everywhere and are very easy to incorporate into your diet. Mix it up! This cookie is a great start! Enjoy!

Giant Everything Cookie
3/4 cup almond meal
1/2 cup quinoa flakes
1/2 cup of coconut flour
3/4 cup unrefined brown sugar (**avoid refined sugar! Use coconut sugar for a low-glycemic option)
1/2 tsp of baking soda
1 tsp of baking powder
1/2 tsp cinnamon
Dash of sea salt
3/4 cup almond or coconut milk
1 Tbsp ground flax
1/4 cup agave nectar or raw honey
1/4 cup melted coconut oil
1/3 cup almond butter (peanut, cashew etc)
1/2 cup raisins or cranberries
1/4 cup pumpkin seeds
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1/2 cup dark chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix the dry ingredients in a large bowl, and then mix the wet ingredients (except the coconut oil & nut butter) in a separate bowl. Mix wet and dry together. Add the oil and nut butter. Mix well. Add walnuts, raisins, pumpkin seeds and chocolate. Gently fold into dough.
Roll a hand-filled-sized ball of dough and flatten it to about 1/2 inch thick. Place on cookie sheet. Bake for 18-20 minutes. Let sit on cookie sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to cooling rack. Makes 12-16 cookies.

Happy Sunday! :)

Fear and the career choice....

On Friday afternoon I told my boss that I was quitting my job in June, taking the summer off....and going back to school in the fall.

On Friday night I told myself I was crazy, that I shouldn't have done that....and what on EARTH am I thinking! Quitting a financially stable, full-time job with benefits and security to go back to school? Who DOES that?

And that's pretty much where I've been since then. My weekend was full of reading about the schooling I want to do and then looking at my bank account and listening to the "you CAN'T and SHOULDN'T do this" taunts inside my head. I woke up at 2am on Saturday in a state of sheer panick because of my decision.

Fear.

That one little word dictates almost every single thing I do. I let fear run my life - I always have. The few times I have made decisions and ignored the fear have ended up being some of the best I've ever made. However, those decisions are few and far between because more often than not - my scaredy cat side gets the upper hand. My rational/comfortable personality thrives on this.

By constantly giving into fear (which, let's face it - the Enemy adores) I am denying myself a life of knowing the PERFECT love that God lavishes on me and the joy that comes in answering His call for my life. Instead, I choose to dwell in the doubt, uncertainty and hurt because it's easier.

One of my favorite bible verses is 1 John 4:18 "...perfect love casts out fear.."

It's easier to dwell in the darkness of fear because it keeps us from taking that leap of faith - a leap requiring our complete trust in God that He WILL catch us when we fall.

Ironically, I haven't even given my notice and won't be for at least another 5 months. But putting that decision out there and telling someone (whom I respect a great deal) has made it 100% real. It's terrifying and exhilerating all at once. I will be trusting in God completely for my finances, education and most things!

I imagine that as the next few months go by I'm going to be attacked from all angles and want to change my mind (as usual) - but leaning on the Lord and recognizing His love will help me to stand firm in my decision.

At least in this one. Baby steps.

It's that time again...

...the obligatory New Years Resolution post.
And this time I'm making it public instead of hiding it away in my journal - because quite honestly it's way too easy to stuff that list away and pretend it never existed. This way it's up on my fridge AND the bloggity-blog. Internet - I'm putting it out there for you to see!

I've never been a huge fan of resolutions, because to me it seems like an excuse to make up some kind of obligation just because everyone else is, and then 2 months later you fall back into old habits. It's that time of year when goals are set because the New Year is a "do-over" and a chance to forget what was done or not done in the past year. Personally, I believe goals (or resolutions) can and should be set at any point during the year. Why do we wait until December 31 to come up with something? It seems like it's a form of procrastination. "I'll do this until December 31 and then January 1 it's allll over".

Do it now.

I'm guilty of being a horrible procrastinator. A couple months ago something happened that made me re-think my priorities and my path. My behavior is so often influenced by a desire to conform to the expectations of others rather than inner conviction. I was seeking attention and I had partially slipped back into my old habits of doing (almost) anything to get it. In one moment I realized what I was doing. God called me out on it and that part of my life I had refused to give up.

It's been an interesting journey since then. One that's forced me to really change certain aspects of my life. And now is the time to continue in that. It just so happens that the new year has come in the middle of it :)

So for 2012 - I'm continuing towards these goals and am excited to see where this time next year will have me:

- Focus more on my own path and not the paths of those around me;
- I'm often 5-10 minutes late for everything (except work). Punctuality will be a big focus this year;
- Commit to spending more time in the relationships that matter most (family and friends(who are like family), my students/leaders in youth ministry) and less time in those that are destructive and inhibiting. And of course forming new valuable relationships;
- Daily devotions. I really find every excuse not to spend time doing this in the morning, even when I recognize the great mindset it gives me each day;
- Run a 10k by the summer. Knees refuse to let me do more than a few km at this point, but I am determined to condition and train my body properly to reach this goal if I'm physically able to;
- Get the tattoo I've been contemplating for the past 4 years. Small, simple and extremely meaningful;
- Be happy in my work. I've recently reached a point where I can feel changes coming - this year will be huge for me in terms of my employment....;
- Start swimming and doing yoga more often again;
- Be thankful much more often and take more risks. I focus too much on things I consider to be hinderances (my allergies, certain personality traits and my past) and allow those to dictate my decisions.
- Trust in the gifts God has given me, and actively listen to Him more. My goal is to live out Psalm 119:33-40.

Fear has been a strong component in my life for too long. It's slowly becoming a less noticeable factor and I'm determined to work on it even more.

Happy 2012!

Summer "Vacation"

It's been 10 months since I publicly posted on this blog. I've still been writing and reading, but for my eyes only.

I was recently on holidays at one of my favourite places: Tofino. The ocean, the air and the whole lifestyle of the West Coast always rejuvenates me - but this year was different. I came back with the knowledge that I have been ducking and avoiding situations that would force me continue in a relationship I felt I needed a break from. I let certain people and certain situations dictate my faith this past year, and it had drained me.

I almost felt I needed a "summer vacation" from God and the physical church. I still set apart time to journal and read, but never actively pursued Christ and felt relieved that I wasn't obligated to anyone for 3 months.

Reality check! I am still obligated to to HIM. Hello? Who am I kidding here? It took a rainy, blustery and freezing cold morning run in Tofino to make me realize that a certain Someone was literally throwing a bucket of cold water on my face to wake me up! Follow ME in all situations and seek MY name - stop letting stressful situations control how I feel about my Jesus!

I recently finished reading Rumors of God (HIGHLY recommend it) and it's confirmed in me that now is the time to really wake up. To strongly pursue Him and call others to do the same. It also caused me to throw the book at the wall a few times because it's seriously challenging.

Summer reading - and summer vacation is over.

Christy

The first week of November is never going to be the same. Grandpa on November 2, 2004 and now this....

Almost a year ago - my beautiful friend Christy was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer. She was 25 years old.
She fought so bravely, with incredible faith in God.
Her army of prayer warriors surrounded her and lifted her name up to the Lord every single day.
But it was not His plan to keep her here on this earth.

Christy passed away this afternoon.

She is now whole and free of earthly pain, dancing and rejoicing in the presence of Jesus Christ - while we cry and selfishly mourn the loss of her presence here. God used her in incredible ways through this trial - bringing together a community of faith that was so lacking in this city. He used her illness to do that. Praise Him, for He is worthy.

Romans 14:8 comforted me on Tuesday on my Grandpa's 6th year anniversary - and it is doing the same now. How comforting now to know that we ALWAYS belong to the Lord, in life and death.

If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

Our earthly life is so short - and this week my life has been so incredibly filled with the Spirit it's almost overwhelming.
Love ferociously, as our God loves you. Be the hands and feet of Jesus Christ - and He will reward you in ways you can't even imagine.

Running uphill

I am absolutely positively determined to start tomorrow.
Start what?

Start running again - up at 5am and actually ENJOYING my mornings before heading to work.
I love the time I get to crank up my Ipod and just go! Have my little morning conversations with God, sing (yes out loud), plan my day and try not to get hit by the early morning drivers. It's also a good time for reflection and organizing my heart - I know that's corny, but I feel my best when I'm running and it's a good time to make those hard decisions. I'm very "still" and focused when I'm running.

It's going to be back to square one (1 minute run/2 walk) because of my setback....but that's ok. Running is hard to get back into, and honestly - the work is worth it. Painful and frustrating at times - but it's worth it.
Anything that requires work to reach the end goal is worth it.

Like God's work in us - it's hard to go through the things He puts us through sometimes, but we learn and grow through the experience. And when it comes time for that final test - what He's done in us allows us to KICK BUTT and cross that finish line! Not literally - but He prepares us for whatever we may face.
He does good work our God :)

I have had nothing but Eagles music stuck in my head for the past week since seeing them in concert (which, by the way - was beyond awesome)....so, I leave you with this:

"Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breakin
Its waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still

You just keep on runnin
Keep on runnin"